I'm so Sorry
by Mournmont
Summary: *reposted per request* 4x08 Inspired one shot. Kirk tortures Red. What if Lizzy finds him?


_'...true sorrow is as rare as true love.' -Stephen King_

He was screaming. He hadn't felt this amount of pain in years, maybe ever.

The drugs that were coursing through his veins affected his ability to focus. They amplified his pain, while muting all other senses.

In fact, he hurt so intensely he thought that he'd die if so much as a feather landed on his skin. It felt like he was on fire.

Kirk had beaten him, but was too weak to inflict any serious damage. It wasn't until one of his associates took over, beating his stomach and injecting more drugs, that he grew concerned.

At first Kirk was tame. Insane and angry sure, but mild in comparison to the monster that sat before him now.

Kirk had red circles around his eyes, and his skin was deathly pale. He almost looked as if he were in a horror film, morphing into the creature that the audience paid to see.

'Answer me! Are you her father?' Kirk slammed his hands on his arm rests.

'No…I've told you that...I'm not' Red took staggering breaths, airy and shallow.

Kirk nodded, and before Red could brace himself, a handful of blows connected with his abdomen. He couldn't fully catch his breath and started coughing.

Kirk leaned forward; his voice growing more venomous with each over pronounced syllable 'I'll ask you one, last, time. Are you her father?'.

Red was feeling ill. He didn't want to show weakness but knew he couldn't hide his agony. Kirk had asked several times. Red's answer always the same. Kirk grew frustrated, and Red sensed that his patience was wearing thin.

Red reluctantly played his only card.

'Don't you want to be cured Constantin?' he coughed wetly, eyes squinting shut in pain.

'Shaw can help' he met Kirk's stare 'Let me go, stay out of Elizabeth's life, and Shaw is yours.'

'And why do you think that I'd so easily trust you? You took her away, you ruined our lives. My life! I should just kill you now.' He picked up a gun on the side table and aimed it at Red's head.

'Your life is more precious to you than anything else. The only reason you entered her life in the first place was because you thought she could save you. Don't lie to yourself Constantin, you weren't meant to have a family' he gasped for air and continued 'Just let it go, move on, and for heaven's sake don't be foolish, I have the means to help you. Isn't that what you want?'

'I want my family!' he swung the gun around dangerously.

He took a moment, contained himself, and steadied the weapon. His eyes turned icy, 'So, tell me Raymond' he leaned forward 'if you are not her father then why did you enter her life?'

It was a challenge.

Red didn't want to play this game. He didn't think he was strong enough for it. Torture him all you want but for the love of god, don't bring her into it.

He was overcome with the urge to cry. He wasn't sure if it was the drugs, the pain, or the thought of Lizzy, but he felt like everything was hitting him all at once. Defeat was something that didn't happen often. He felt hopeless, and scared.

It had to be the drugs.

Red tried his hardest to keep his emotions in check. 'What do you want me to say?' he cringed at the sound of his own voice, weak, and submissive.

'How about the truth, what is she to you? Tell me the truth or I won't hesitate to kill you' he grinned.

Red was pretty sure he was about to pass out. His head grew heavy and he couldn't keep his eyes focused 'I…' he swallowed, his jaw muscles tensed 'I care about her'.

'Care, How?'

Red was silent, and avoided Kirk's direction.

Kirk's face turned to stone, completely unreadable. He responded 'You fell in love with the child you stole, from the family you ruined, how revolting.'

He turned his head as if he were looking for something to say. The evil always tend to ramble on about revenge or describe their master plan in vivid detail, but it looked as though Red's confession had left him perplexed.

When he finally came to a decision, he stood and slowly walked over to Red, bent down slightly so he was at eye level, and roughly grabbed his face.

Red was shaking uncontrollably. He used what little strength he had left and raised his chin high, defiantly so. If this is how he was going to die, he wasn't going to give Kirk the satisfaction of besting him.

Kirk squeezed Red's already bruised mandible, moved his head slowly back and forth, inspecting, and then released him in renewed anger. He looked up at his colleague 'Inject the son of a bitch again and let's go'.

He didn't feel the needle this time.

He watched them leave, as a fresh burst of pain exploded throughout his body. Gritting his teeth he wiggled his wrists and then his ankles. The restraints didn't budge. In fact, they were so tight they had his wrists bleeding. He hadn't even noticed.

He tried hopping with the chair, but with the first movement his vision blackened. It took minutes for him to be able to open his eyes.

When he regained his composure, he tried moving the chair again. He made it a step or two before he was racked by a coughing fit.

Red felt himself slipping. He couldn't stay conscious no matter how hard he fought.

His last thoughts were of Lizzy and Agnes.

* * *

Lizzy jumped into the back of the black Mercedes 'What did he do?'

Dembe looked at her through the rear view mirror. His eyes were piercing and his lips were pressed tightly. He returned his attention to the road and started driving.

'Dembe, where is he?' she asked beginning to worry.

'Raymond chose your life over his, again.' This time he refused to look back.

She shook her head in confusion 'Wait, he's with Kirk?' sweat starting to bead on her brow.

'Raymond would do anything for you. I wish you wouldn't act so surprised'.

'No it's not that. I know he'd do anything for me. I just didn't know Kirk had him. I thought he traded information or something, not himself!'

She asked for the phone and notified Cooper.

Hopefully they'd find him before Kirk got his hands on him. A chill went down her spine.

What if they didn't?

The car pulled into a warehouse where Red's team was busily working.

She opened the door, a foot almost touching the ground, when Dembe spoke.

'Elizabeth, I apologize. I shouldn't have been so short with you, I'm worried about him.'

'Please don't apologize to me. It's ok, really' she touched his shoulder and he sat his hand on hers thankful for the comfort 'we are going to get him back.'

'I just don't know how much one man can handle' he lowered his head in defeat.

'He has made it this far. He's strong. Hey, Dembe, look at me'

He slowly turned back to face her 'I have no doubt we will find him Elizabeth. I am talking about what you do to him. You are going to get him killed by not listening to his warnings. I know better than anyone that he is hardheaded, but he has never lied to you. Never. When you faked your death…'

'Please I don't…' she didn't think she could bare this right now.

'When you faked your death, it destroyed Raymond. He shut everyone out, ordered me to cut all ties, and he disappeared' he took a slow breath and sighed 'I believed that he had killed himself' his voice cracked at the end.

She was absolutely speechless. She had known that her death would affect him, but to that extent, she honestly had no idea.

'He is still not over your betrayal and to be honest neither am I. If we find him alive you have to make a decision. Either, you learn to trust him, or you get out of his life.'

With that Dembe climbed out of the car and made his way to the rest of the Red's team.

She sat alone for awhile. It was a lot to reflect on. She had been so consumed with her visions of a perfect life that she hadn't considered the depth of Red's feelings for her.

Agnes was and will always be her number one priority. She wouldn't apologize with the lengths she went through to keep her safe. However, she will admit that she should have handled things differently. Especially knowing what she knows now.

But at the time it was so chaotic. She was worried about her baby, Solomon was after her, Kaplan was playing both the devil and angel, and she was in the most pain she had ever experienced.

There were bullets and blood. She wasn't even in a hospital!

She remembered motioning for Red to enter the room, needing to see him one last time, to touch his hand, to hear his voice.

She remembered regret smacking her in the face when she saw how broken he already seemed.

She hadn't meant to say it. She never wanted him to know just how deeply she did, but the thought of never seeing him again had the words slipping out of her mouth 'Raymond, I do love…'

* * *

It took less than 48 hours to find where Kirk had taken him.

She entered the warehouse like a hurricane, moving quickly, destroying anything in her path. Red's team and the FBI followed closely behind her.

It was dim and there was a stench in the musty air, metallic, pungent.

When her eyes adjusted she started searching for him, frantically.

He had traded his life for hers.

She found him on the far side of the abandoned building. He was covered with sweat that soaked his clothes, and his white shirt collar was tinged pink with blood

She checked for his pulse, while everyone else focused on clearing the large warehouse.

It was there, strong and steady under her fingers. She let out a small cry of relief.

She knelt down in front of him, removing the ties around his ankles then wrists. The scabbed indentions that the restraints left behind were deep, they would probably leave scars.

She gently picked up his hands, brushing her thumbs delicately over the tender flesh, and placed them in his lap.

She examined his face. His skin lacked the sun kissed hue she was accustomed to. His eyes had deep purple rings underneath. She wasn't sure if they were bruises or had shown up from tremendous pain. His cheeks looked gaunt as if he hadn't eaten in days, which she knew was false.

She touched his forehead checking for fever, or maybe just proving to herself that he was really in front of her. It was slick with sweat and warm.

She inspected his collar, confused about the blood that was there. Then she saw the injection marks.

There were at least five. She cringed, thinking back to how bad the Stewmaker had hurt her. She couldn't imagine the pain he had just experienced.

Because of her.

'How is he?' Ressler asked, startling her.

She updated him. He offered words of comfort, kindly patted her on the back, and then returned to the investigation.

She needed for him wake up. She needed for him to be ok.

'Red?' she patted his arms.

Nothing.

She gently put both of her hands on opposite sides of his face and lifted 'Raymond, I need you to wake up for me, ok?'.

He started shaking. 'Liz..zy' his voice sounding raspy and dry.

He was trying so hard to look her in the eye 'Are you ok?' Each word was drawn out thanks to his drug induced state.

She smiled, tears forming in her eyes. Only he could elicit these opposing feelings from her so easily.

'Yes Red, I'm fine.' She sniffled. 'Are you ok?'

He started sobbing. It happened so sudden, it caught her completely off guard. What the hell had Kirk given him?

'Shhh its ok, its ok. I'm here and we are both safe'. She pulled him to her, mindful of his injuries. She placed his head on her chest as she attempted to sooth him.

'I'm so sorry Red. It's all my fault, I hurt you. I should have trusted you. It won't happen again, it won't' she repeated as a promise to them both.

She stroked the back of his head, tears falling down her own cheeks.

He found the power to lift his head, his dazed and bloodshot eyes locked with hers 'It's ok…Lizzy. I'm ok'. The corners of his mouth raised in the attempt of a smile.

Dembe walked up 'Let's get him to the car.'

They struggled lifting him up. His body was lax and they didn't wish to cause him further harm.

It took a long time to get to the car, between his coughing, and his weakened limbs that held no strength, it was a nightmare. When they bent him so that he could sit in the backseat, he cried out in pain.

Dembe shot her a worried look, it was worse than they thought.

When they started to drive off Red propped his head on his window, relishing the coolness of it, drifting off.

She stared at him for awhile afraid that he'd stop breathing or wouldn't say anything if his condition changed.

Then her mind began to wander.

She thought back to all of the times he had saved her. All of the times he promised that he was telling her the truth, and was. All of the times that she had accused him of lying, and all of the times he wasn't. She thought of how many times he traded his life for hers. He never even had to think about it, willing to die for her over, and over again.

He turned to look at her, she was deep in thought. He could see the cogs turning in her mind. He placed his hand on hers.

Her head jerked in his direction, scared that something was wrong.

His brows furrowed as if he was asking her, if she was ok.

She shook her head, indicating that she was fine, picked up his hand, and laced their fingers together.

It would take time, but they were going to be ok.


End file.
